The Power of Parental Feedback That Goes Beyond Praise
A Way of Speaking That Truly Helps a Child Grow
Did you know that a single word from a parent can influence a child’s self-esteem, motivation, and even future academic success? A parent’s words are not just spontaneous reactions—they are formative lessons that become imprinted in a child’s brain. Reflecting on the compliments I’ve often given—”Good boy!”, “Well done!”—I began to wonder how helpful they really are. In this article, I want to explore why it’s not simple praise, but thoughtful feedback that truly supports a child’s development.
What Happens When We Emphasize Results Over Effort?
Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol S. Dweck warns that praising intelligence can actually make children more afraid of failure. In a landmark study, she found that children praised for being smart were less willing to take on challenging tasks, while those praised for their effort showed more resilience and motivation.
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33–52.
Read the study
This study reminds us that even a small shift in how we speak to children can significantly affect their learning behavior and mindset. Rather than giving shallow praise, affirming a child’s thought process and effort encourages a growth mindset.
Praise vs. Feedback—What’s the Difference?
Praise typically focuses on outcomes. “Wow, you scored 100!”, “That’s a beautiful drawing!”—such comments highlight achievement. However, they may unintentionally teach children to rely on external validation. In contrast, feedback focuses on the child’s choices and process. Asking, “You used a lot of dark colors here—what were you feeling when you painted this?” encourages reflection and self-expression.
Praise might give a momentary boost, but process-oriented feedback cultivates inner motivation and self-awareness. It helps children reflect on the ‘why’ behind their actions and builds their own standards for success.
Shifting the Words We Use
Here’s a recent example from my own life. When my niece showed me a picture she drew, I usually would have said, “Wow, that’s so pretty!” But this time I asked, “I see you used darker colors here—was there a reason?” She replied, “It was a rainy day, so I felt kind of sad.” I was amazed at the emotional depth she expressed.
When a child rebuilds a block tower that has fallen, instead of simply saying “Great job!”, try, “You didn’t give up even when it collapsed. What kind of shape were you aiming for?” This kind of feedback builds resilience and deeper thinking.
Similarly, instead of saying, “Nice handwriting,” you could say, “You used different sizes to make it easier to read—were you thinking about someone reading it?” This kind of comment affirms the child’s intention and strategy.
How a Single Word Shapes Brain Development
The Harvard Center on the Developing Child emphasizes that meaningful verbal interaction plays a critical role in developing a child’s prefrontal cortex, which governs reasoning and self-regulation. Studies show that regular, intentional conversations with parents are key to forming healthy neural pathways in children’s brains.
Source: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.
“Serve and Return”
https://developingchild.harvard.edu
Children grow through repeated cycles of questions, responses, and reflections. Even everyday conversations can become powerful learning experiences.
One Sentence Can Shape a Child’s Future
Good parenting isn’t about giving answers, but about asking questions that guide children toward finding their own. Feedback is not just a response—it is a mirror that reflects a child’s inner world. These days, I try to ask myself: “Am I offering true feedback—or just habitual praise?”
What kind of words did you share with your child today? That one sentence could unlock their tomorrow. This moment—right now—is the most important classroom your child will ever sit in. Your words are shaping their future.
3 Key Takeaways
- Process-based feedback supports a child’s growth more than empty praise.
- Parental words directly impact a child’s thinking, emotions, and brain development.
- Asking thoughtful questions helps children develop independence and inner motivation.